A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
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Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
That was easy.
Noah
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Every. Damn. Time.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”