My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
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Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language