*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
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Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong