Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
You Might Also Like
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
He took my last fry, your honor
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
A game married people play.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
mentally somewhere in italy
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.