Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
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Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I don’t make the rules sorry
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.