Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
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Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Good Morning.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.