Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
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[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Hero horse inspires millions
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water