The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
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I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here鈥檚 what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
People Complain They鈥檝e Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
DOCTOR: I鈥檓 afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I鈥檓 still too scared
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you鈥檙e way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I鈥檝e waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You鈥檙e in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
My New Year鈥檚 resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I鈥檓 on the run.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
How to draw a duck
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.