I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
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As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
courtroom exchange of the day
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
constantly working on myself.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.