“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
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Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.