I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
WHY would you be happy about this?
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.