[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
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As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.