– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
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My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow