God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
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15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]