when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
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Expectations vs. Reality
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments