A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
You Might Also Like
The police never think its as funny as you do.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication