Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
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Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news