My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
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You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg