There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
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Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.