A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
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Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise