WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
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He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now