I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
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Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.