If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
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Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Close call…
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…