Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
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*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.