Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
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when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
repaired
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
me adding lol on a serious message
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.