Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
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I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
dam girl
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked