Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
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I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Bro what is this
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’