“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
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The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
me hitting on a model
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Wish the trash would take me out for once.