[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
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You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
same bro
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.