just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
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[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what