Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
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He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]