My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
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How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.