friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
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What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
🤣
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold