Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
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My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
won’t smith
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.