Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
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Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
wishing you and yours all the best
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?