[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
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Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today