In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
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Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant