Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
You Might Also Like
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.