Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
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just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Oh my God.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.