The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
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I hope it’s French Onion!
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”