Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
You Might Also Like
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
new shirt idea
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk