[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
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Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.