Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
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“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I feel seen.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Yup
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”