what the
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I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
guys i’ve cracked the code
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.