I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
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5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
multitasking lunch
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him