My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
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Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”