[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
You Might Also Like
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
me and the Superbowl rn
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy