Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
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British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
*puts words between two asterisks*
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.