My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
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Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st