I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
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I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”